I went to my second counseling session yesterday at college. She's only a young woman (no older than 25) and she's so down to earth and understanding, I don't feel like she judges me for anything I tell her so I pour my heart out every session (poor kid lol). I wrote her a mood diary which was written the night before, that was a bad night so therefore the diary was very negative. She read through it all and complemented me on how well written it was, I said "Thank blogging for that!" lol...
However because the blog was so negative she had a few concerns for my welfare and became firm with me. I haven't been eating for about 3 months so I've lost about 3 stone in that time, I fear food will make me fat but I don't drink water either which was her main concern. I was told about the dangers of starving myself, but the problem is I already know exactly what it's doing/going to do and I want to punish myself which is why I'm doing these stupid things. So people telling me how much certain behaviors are going to hurt me doesn't make me want to stop, it makes me want to do it more as it's reassurance of punishment. Which puts her in a difficult situation...
As a counselor it's her job to advise me and set me 'tasks' and she's told me to write a food diary to plan my daily meals. I have to drink at least 2 litres of water per day too which is really hard as even most healthy people don't drink that much lol. I am very difficult to reason with and persuade as I hate not being in control when it comes to my life, I feel out of control which is why I engage in harmful behaviors like self harm and fasting to gain some control. But when anybody tells me to do something like eat or get out of bed I become extremely hostile and snappy.
When my counselor was telling me to eat she was very firm and I took that as offensive (I'm very sensitive) so I ended up shaking with frustration, clenching my teeth and fists and was in the frame of mind to walk out and never go back. But what would that have done? I know she's trying to help but I really hate not feeling in control, I'm the same when my mum tells me to eat I suddenly meet my split personality and lash out. But then when the pressure is released I'm fine, as if it never happened... Do I have a split or borderline personality disorder? It's just how I can suddenly jump between 'characters', normally I'm quite chilled and it takes a lot for me to snap, but now the slightest thing annoys me and I'm intolerant of other people, just their presence annoys me!
Despite this intolerance of other people, I am very dependent on others to do 'scary' things for me, I can't go anywhere alone or book appointments, I'm absolutely 100% petrified of being alone. But yet I have social anxiety so I don't really feel totally comfortable with anyone, even family members. I've seen this is a big symptom of BPD. I could link my symptoms to pretty much every mental health disorder there is, so what do you guys think the psychiatrist will diagnose? Can you be diagnosed with multiple disorders? I'm pretty sure I have them all lol.
I have a worry that I may develop bipolar disorder as I'm only 17, but I've struggled so much throughout my life with mental health issues, from slight anxiety to full blown depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts every day. I've recently started smoking, drinking, failing college and broken up with my fiance of 2.5 years, it's not like me to do things like that. I am depressed but I have regular short bursts of energy where I feel very happy, but then within minutes I can be suicidal again, it's been like that for months now, I don't know what I'm going to feel/do next! I have a huge urge to ruin my life and hope I die before I'm 18 (phobia of becoming an adult) so what do you guys diagnose?
I just want to say a huge thank you to all the support on here, god knows what I'd do if you weren't here!